Nice. Naive. Beautiful

Starting out with a question is so typical, but I have to admit, it’s much easier, so that’s what I’ll do.

Have you ever felt like there was something more? That it’s not just about now.
Don’t you remember being a kid and discovering the world? Feeling invincible.

Yeah, we tend to forget those things. The simple ones, the things that don't require so much thinking. well, today I remembered. I thought back on all my childhood dreams. They seem silly, but make so much more sense to me than this so called grown-up world.

It's that feeling that you get after riding the carousel around and around. You don't know when it'll stop, but you don't want to. You're mesmerized by the horse you're riding, and at the same time wishing you were on the one in front of you, because it goes up just a little bit higher than yours.

Satisfaction? It's over-rated. Sure, it comes in waves, but just try to save up a little. Impossible.

I think it all boils down to one thing. How far do you think you can get on your own?
It just wont happen. Things change, people lie, time goes by, can you resist it all? You can't.
Nothing. That's what we are. Absolutely nothing.

Kind of disturbing ah? Yeah, I know. You're ready to start running, go back to your safe place, with all your nice things, and just forget this. Well, go ahead. You can run back, do other things, start more plans, but, that gnawing feeling you have in your gut, telling you that something needs to change, no, that wont go away.

It'll get stronger buddy, just wait. You'll see.

Sometimes in comes across me that it really feels like I'm talking to a wall, but, all walls come down at some point.

I've never been the quiet one. Much less the one who's in the background. See, you have to understand that my mind does not work quite like yours. I find it hard to conform with things that aren't the best. I don't agree with giving up. The things I think, I do. I find it impossible to say something without actually taking action. You see, this is who I am. Paraphrasing a song by one of my favorites, who I am hates who I've been.
I've always said, "Yes, take me out of my normal place, and I'll show you that I can."
About 5 years ago, that happened. One country to another. It was not anything easy, and I didn't see the outcome as a positive one.
Years have gone by, and now that place is my home. That place is my reality. That is where my heart is in this moment of my life.
So, here's the deal. I got comfortable again, and once again, BOOM! Back to the other place for a while. I thought it would be nice, I thought it would be fun, but what was once my home, is now foreign grounds to me. What was meant to be 3 months slowly turned into an eternity, and my attitude along with this feeling of falling forever became dull and misplaced. Ironic.
Why it took me so long to understand this is beyond me. Why I'm admitting to this misleading concept of mine, is what I'm about to unravel.
The thing is, I'm one of those people that absolutely can not hide what's happening inside of me. Even if I don't know something is wrong, it shows.
I thank the Lord everyday for friends and family that know how to read me.
Some bring me back to reality. Others are just simply there.
I need this moment, this hour, this day, to be a turning point. I can't stand being in this state of disaster. God, I long to please You and ONLY You, and this is serious.
I'm ready for You to use me. There are so many things that I see. So many people that can't see, and I know that you can use me. I just know it.
Deep down inside there's something else. Maybe in a near future, maybe far, I know there's something more. I hear the calling, but it's not yet telling me when or where.
I can feel it. It's going to be big. I use the term big in the way that I don't know what big is for You. All I know is that anything for Your kingdom is the best of the best. Very big.
There are so many things I want to do, but I'm mastering the art of patience, and I do it with joy, with peace, knowing that in some way unexplainable, it's all under control.
I know You're in control, but I know You want me to do my part to. I'm striving to be someone better. I'm reaching for the highest. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. I'm ready.
It's time to get moving, fasten your seat belts, it will be a bumpy ride. The destination is unknown, knowing it will be the best.

ya no me siento como ellos me ven. ya no quiero lo que ellos esperan. ya no

I have finally come to an understanding.
I don't care.
I don't want to.
I feel free.
I feel alive.

Some say that silence is golden. Others say that it's over rated.
Silence is chaotic.
It's in this place that I hear you.
It's in this place that I can feel you.
It's overwhelming. I lose myself in your mystery.
I can't seem to get myself together.
I don't know how to speak.
I forget who I am.
I no longer want to hold on.
So I let go.
Slowly, I fade.
I rapidly understand.
It's not about getting a grip.
It's about losing grasp.
I want to scream.
This is the best feeling.
This is what I've been looking for.
I don't know why.
And I don't think I should
Trust. Hope. Faith.

wondering, stumbling through.
accidentally doing things right.
not knowing what the full picture looks like.
not wanting to.
dreaming, believing.
understanding, guessing.
inoscence.
yes, no, maybe so.
sugar, spice, everything nice.
that's what no one is made of.
looking, finding.
losing. missing
circles and round-abouts
traveling hearts.
flying, floating.
one world apart.
anything but here.