Nice. Naive. Beautiful

I don’t know why I have to be this way. I don’t understand. It’s like a roller coster. Up, down, flip and scream. I regret so many things. So many thoughts. So many words. I don’t think it has to be this way, but somehow I can’t yet find the way to change it. What is it? Me. That’s it. I get so irritated with myself after realizing what I just said, or how I reacted. I guess it’s normal, but then again, accepting that is what got me into this mess in the first place. Word has it, You knew me before I was even thought about here. You understood me before I was even alive. Incredible. I can’t seem to learn how to accpet this yet. Maybe it’s one of those heart things, nothing to do with my brain. I really don’t want to become comfortable with this state of unstable days that I’m in. That’s why I’m changing everything. Starting over, brand new. Once more I have to throw everything away. Once again I have to trust You with everything, and I mean everything. Once again I’m here, vulnerable, completely melted in Your hands. I’m finished. I don’t want anything to do with this anymore. I understand that it’s not going to be easy, but I’m willing to accpet this, because the outcome is so much better than anything I could ever imagine. I’m so sure about this. I’m thirsty for more, for better, for the best actually. Excelence. Perservierence. Patience. Understanding. Compassion. Mercy. Justice. Peace. Love, just to name a few. I’m realizing and understanding the importante things in life. I’m getting a grip on purpose and plan. There’s a calling, and I’m starting to desipher. I have to admit, it’s a little scarey, but, it’s not up to me anymore. So, here I am, writing, resolving, in the wee hours of the morning. Call me crazy, but I think this is passion. I’m starting to feel a familiar burning inside of me. A fresh feeling. A good one. I must admit, it hurts at first, but I’m willing to suffer. I’m willing to give until there’s nothing left. I want to. I need to. You know me better than anyone. You understand me even more than I understand my self. I’m putting You in the place that You belong: First, formost, forever. I can’t help but imagine what my life is supposed to be like. Imagining is great, but I want to find out for real. Here I go.